signposts

One year

2008-12-20T16:31:00.004-05:00

Looking ahead to a year seems like a really long time. Looking back on it, it seems all to short. My year living in Namibia is over, but after seven trips I can't imagine it will be my last. One thing that's always been a motto of mine is "be where you are." Trying to make that a reality in my own life I realize that the very purpose of blogging is to be somewhere else, to share what's on your mind with people who aren't there. So not that I've ever written on this blog with much regularity, but in trying to be more purposeful about living purposefully I won't be updating this blog as often. If you're interested in what's on my mind drop me an email or take me out to lunch! If you're interested in my observations from living in Namibia for a year, check out my African Travel Blog.

A year in Africa

2007-12-06T13:20:00.000-05:00

From December 2007 through Dec 2008 I will be living with my friends Dieter and Joan Morsbach in Okahandja, Namibia. I will be serving as a Distributed Pastor of Christ’s Church working with orphan ministries, humanitarian aid projects, and community development programs. I’ll also be exploring many of the cultural differences with the youth and how youth ministry is different than in the States. If you’re interested in a short term missions trip to Africa, I can help in making arrangements for that as well. :)

During this year I will be posting to my African Travel Blog. You can find it at… http://africantravelblog.blogspot.com. On that site I will include updates, prayer requests, photos, and hopefully even some video of my trip. I will still have occasional access to my email, myspace, facebook, IM, etc, so we can still keep in touch. Thanks for your prayers and support, and please continue following my journey at my African Travel Blog.

The Voice in the Wilderness

2007-11-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

I often find I connect most with God when in the midst of creation. I know, it's not some grand revelation unique to me. Many of the great forefathers of the faith met with God in the wilderness, but it still feels like a grand secret between God and me. From the sand dunes of Lake Michigan, to the rolling hills of the Kentucky horse farms, to the extravagantly colored hills of the Smokey Mountains in peak foliage, God proclaims His glory through what we see all around us, though often times we're going by too fast to stop and notice it. I wish I had cool photos that could capture it all to share with you, but nothing would quite compare, so it'll remain my little secret, until you drive Rt 40 in early-November.

"Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature." ~Romans 1:20

"The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship." ~ Psalm 19:1

Friends and Photos

2007-11-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

I love friends that you can jump back in and pick up 5 years later right where you left off. It's been refreshing connecting up with friends from college and extended fam that I haven't seen in years. Everybody grows up so fast. My cousins are so big! So many of my friends are having babies and starting families. I love hearing their dreams about pursuing ministry and what God's been teaching them. I love seeing them in their environments, meeting their friends, and reminiscing old times. It's great knowing such cool people. :)

The Photos of the Day start with Arianna Siegrist, Laura and Dave's miracle baby. She was born with heart troubles but at their 7 month check-up the doctors told them she looked great and didn't need to take daily meds anymore. Cayd Elijah Sespico is Sarah and Chris' newborn. God has turned their mourning into dancing after suffering a miscarriage not long ago. And the last is my aunt and cousins whom I haven't seen in years. It was fun going to youth group, playing foosball and Wii, and making movies with the kids, and catching up with my aunt and uncle. I would love to live closer to my cousins so I could see them more and watch them grow up. In fact, it's too bad all my cool friends and fam couldn't all live in NH so I could hang out with them all, but I guess I have to share them with the rest of the world. :)

So I think traveling has also helped me mentally prepare for being gone to Namibia for a year. I've gotten to share with many people about my vision for the year and help them get on board with what I'm doing. It's cool having so much support and so many people praying for me. I'm getting more and more excited and ready to be there. It seems unreal that it's less than a month away and I know that's gonna fly by with the rest of my trip, then Thanksgiving, then packing. I'm excited, but also a little nervous. A year is a really long time...from this side of it. I know when it's over it will seem to have flown by, that's how it always works. And then I'll be on the flip side of all this about coming back. But I don't have to think about that now, just take it a day at a time, which is all we really have anyway. (To learn more about my year in Namibia check out my African Travel Blog.)

Photo of the Day

2007-10-08T17:56:00.000-04:00

Tara Leigh Cobble has inspired me by her "photo of the day" series on her blog, so I thought I'd add my own from Saturday's adventure to Vermont and upstate New York. Though I'm sure you won't find nearly as much amusement about this shot as I did. This family was attending a small-town wedding in Bicentennial Park. I slipped alongside their photographer and asked if I could take a shot as well. They were speechless as to why this stranger would want their photo so I snapped it quickly before they could say no. Although now I owe them a couple wallet-sized prints. (ps. I think my favorite is the little boy in the front holding his little stuffed animal.)

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On a more serious note, driving along the back roads, checking out the hillsides ablaze with color, left me plenty of time to consider country living. Having grown up visiting my many relatives in upstate NY I have a pretty good handle on what it's like to live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and I have to say, it's nice to visit, but I don't think I could live there.

Maybe I just have too much ambition (or delusions of grandeur) to be content living my entire life in a small country town, talking the latest gossip about nothing important. Maybe I've seen too much of the world (and the city) to get so wrapped up in small town drama. Maybe I'm just too young and restless to appreciate what so many people call home. I don't know, but it's not for me.

But as with anything, there are upsides to be learned from. There is something to say for investing your entire life in a particular community, building life long relationships with neighbors and friends, and the authenticity to talk to anybody and everybody. Those things I do value, but I don't think I could do it in the middle of nowhere.

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While at the park, a young teenage girl came up to us asking who was getting married as if we were with the party. She hadn't seen it in the paper or heard of anyone getting married around town. She went on to tell us how everybody knew everything in their small town. She had no regard for the fact that we were complete strangers and could probably care less except for the fact that we're not that rude and had just been talking about small-town folk and were amused that everything she was saying was corroborating exactly what we'd been talking about.

Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him

2007-09-03T10:26:00.000-04:00

Reading through Matthew 6 recently, I was pondering what I know about God and prayer. I know a lot of people try and interpret "The Lord's Prayer" line for line and this is what it really means. That's not what I'm trying to do at all. I wouldn't really presume my interpretation upon it. I just know what it says. All I'm doing is just making a few observations:

"Our Father in heaven" - God already knows who He is and He knows my thoughts before I even think them so this address cannot be for God's sake, but perhaps just a reminder to me that God is my Father and He is beyond anything this earth could contain.

"Hallowed be Your name" - God is already perfectly holy so if this is a request then there's nothing He can do to make Himself more holy, so maybe it's just reminding me that God really is holy even though I don't always live like He is.

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven" - God has never needed my permission or insight into when He will accomplish His ends. He will do as He pleases, when He pleases, whether I ask Him to or not. So maybe this is just a reminder to me that God really is in control, good does win out over evil, and this earth is not all there is.

"Give us today our daily bread" - In a few verses Jesus will explain how silly it is to worry about whether or not we will eat because God provides food even to the birds who aren't nearly as valuable as His sons and daughters. So do I really need to ask God to provide food for me, or do I just need a reminder that everything I have comes from the God Who Provides?

"Forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors" - My sins, past, present, and future, were forgiven when I confessed Christ. Am I really asking God to forgive me over again, or is more a reminder to me of the depths from which I've been forgiven, and that compared to those who've wronged me?

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one" - James tells us that God is not tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone. So perhaps rather than a request, it's a reminder of God's goodness and His sovereignty over those who oppose Him.

If God is really unchangeable, then is prayer really for His sake or for mine? Does asking Him really help Him make up His mind, or does it change mine to recognize how utterly helpless I am and completely dependent upon Him for everything, from adoption to assurance, from provision to forgiveness, from sanctification to victory? All I know is I'm commanded to pray so I do, and it always tends to straighten out my perspective.

The physics of experiencing life

2007-07-16T15:01:00.000-04:00

When shuttles return from the moon re-entry involves screaming through the flaming heat of the atmosphere. While coming home from Namibia isn't quite that bad, sometimes it seems like it. Anybody who's travelled cross-culturally knows what it's like to come home and experience the tension of not wanting to fall back into everyday life here but keep some of the tendencies and habits you learned in other places. For me it was walking.

Our last night in Arandis the pastor's daughter, Pearl, was hanging out at our house and so she wouldn't have to walk back home alone in the dark, a group of us walked her home. We walked the long way around, down the long, quiet road on the outskirts of town where there are houses on one side and nothing but desert as far as you can see on the other. The lights from the town aren't as bright on that road so the view of the stars is amazing. You can even see the Milky Way. I don't know whether it was short legs or just not wanting to go home, but she kept saying, "You're walking too fast." I'd hardly realized until she said it that half our group was way ahead and the rest of us were struggling to slow down enough to walk with her. It got me thinking how in America we're all about getting there. We're all about accomplishing the goal. The purpose of our outing was to walk her home and come back, we just set a pace to get it done without a second thought. But what Pearl understood, we totally missed. It didn't have anything to do with our velocity, but everything to do with our perspective. For her it was a last chance to spend time with these people she'd fallen in love with who would be leaving the next morning. She knew when we reached her house it'd be over. She was all about the walk, not the destination, so she kept reminding us, "Walk slower."

On our way home we made it all the way to Paris without a snag, then when we were about to board our last plane for the final leg home they delayed our flight another 10 hours. So we went about switching gates and going through security...again, and getting some food. We got online to update the blog and let people send messages home. But 10 hours is still a long time and we were all tired and emotionally exhausted, so people started getting frustrated and bored. Now I'm a pretty laid back guy and I'm in no hurry to get home, there's nobody waiting for me at the airport except the knowledge that I'll have to say goodbye to all the people I've grown so close to during the last two weeks, so I was getting a little frustrated that everyone was wasting away this last opportunity just being bored and complaining. I eventually dropped some comments to some different people in the least harsh way I could muster, and I think they got my drift. But it just reminded me of how often we go through life waiting instead of living.

So yesterday morning I went for a walk. I never go for morning walks in America, but in Africa it's not uncommon. I thought about how much I live from one scheduled activity to the next and about how much I miss in between. I imagined what it would be like to live in the 'in betweens' instead of in the schedule. I looked up from the ground and glanced around. I hadn't realized how much I was missing around me as I was watching where I would make my next step. I took a deep breath, and took my next step...just a little slower.

Take six

2007-06-23T21:49:00.000-04:00

Other than my fam, I think my longest standing relationship is God. I don't really keep up with any of my grade school friends, and I first met God before I came to Christ's Church so He even beats them out. And I must say I'm more confident now than ever that He is completely trustworthy, totally sovereign, and loves me more than anything. It's wild being in relationship with someone who has absolutely no faults, because I have nothing to relate it to; it's foreign to me, but that's the reality of it. It's wild feeling like I'm wrapped up in the hugmongous arms of God. It feels safe. Fear looses all it's power. And that makes me smile.

Less than 48 hours and I'm off once again to one of my favorite places on earth, Namibia, Africa. We're gone June 25th through July 12th (no that doesn't mean you can come vandalize my house!!!) with 18 people, 36 bags, 3 guitars, and a partrige and a pear tree. But to tell the truth, I've been ready to go for most of the week. Not actually ready to go, but ready to be there. All the sights, and smells, and tastes come flooding back and I know it's time to go. So I invite you to join us, not on the airplane, but on the blogsite. Check out our team blogsite at...

www.namibia2007.blogspot.com
and follow all the action for yourself. We'll post pics and videos, tell stories of what's going on, and best of all, you can leave me little comments that I'll get to read while we're there. But most of all we'd love your prayers, for my teammates, for the people we'll minister to, and for me to be bold and open to learn what God has for me. Thanks for all your support. Signing off, for the next 3 weeks (not like I actually write that often anyway).

2007-06-20T16:48:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been reading in Isaiah and have found it quite enjoyable. That's kind of odd I think, because Isaiah is condemning Israel and telling them about this nasty stuff that God's going to do to them. But the cool part is, interspersed in all that is a great deal of the character of God. Like when he's speaking of God's power he uses great metaphors of things that just ooze power, things we can't control that hold some mystery in them, like fierce storms and overwhelming tsunamis.

But then in the midst of all the destructive talk, Isaiah throws in a piece about God's wisdom and mercy. I'm not much of a farmer so some of the horticultural metaphors used in the Bible aren't quite as familiar, but I think I managed to pick up some of this one. He says the farmer doesn't just tear up the ground with His plow forever. No, he just does it to prepare for the seed. Likewise the baker doesn't crush the grain forever, but just enough to make some bread out of it. In the same way, God doesn't pulverize and smite us forever. Sure He allows pain and suffering, but it's temporary. It tenderizes us so He can sow into our lives. We must allow His wisdom and sovereignty to rule in our troubles. Afterall, where do you think the farmer and the baker learned it from?

"Give ear and hear my voice; Listen and hear my words.
Does the farmer plow continually to plant seed?
Does he continually turn and harrow the ground?
Does he not level its surface and sow dill and scatter cummin
And plant wheat in rows, barley in its place and rye within its area?
For his God instructs and teaches him properly.

Grain for bread is crushed; Indeed, he does not continue to thresh it forever. Because the wheel of his cart and his horses eventually damage it, He does not thresh it longer." ~Isaiah 28:24-26, 28

The wages of work is death

2007-06-05T17:15:00.000-04:00

So lately I've been working tirelessly on a recording project to help raise money for our upcoming Namibia trip and it's gotten me thinking about the value of work. In the end people will listen to the CD for a while but eventually it'll end up in the yard sale pile. The songs will go out of style and new songs will take their place. Eventually the glory of that CD will pass away, but is that why I work?

Every year at this time we have a Graduation Banquet celebrating another year done, saying goodbye to all our seniors, and welcoming the incoming freshmen. For the presentation, I put hours into setting up a little slideshow of pictures reviewing the year and of the seniors through the years. I show the video once at the banquet, then it quickly finds itself buried in an archive file, forgotten about for years to come. I've made so many videos for so many occasions through the years that all have the same fate. Their glory days fade quickly, but is that why I work?

All our work fades away. I spent the last hour scrubbing the bathroom, only for it to get dirty again. I spend hours mowing the lawn, but it grows back. I cook a meal, wash dishes, take the trash out, knowing that I'll do it all again tomorrow. So why do we work if it doesn't last?

Well some of those last illustrations seem obvious for health reasons and such, but I think there are lasting things about the work we do, and I mean more than just a paycheck at the end of the week. For instance, sometimes I work to show love to people. Sometimes my work leaves a lasting impression, like the CD. Who knows what somebody might take away or how God might speak into someone's life by listening to those songs. Sometimes it's for the pleasure in a job well done, or using a clean shower.

Maybe the temporary nature of our work is meant to remind us that this is not all there is. In this world, things break and deteriorate but it won't always be this way. One day everything will be healed, never to hurt again. By working we mimic God by redeeming the broken, filthy, useless things of this world. His glory can shine through our work, so in the end all is not worthless. It may only be like a drop in a pond, but every drop leaves ripples.

Our Deepest Fear

2007-05-05T16:12:00.000-04:00

Part of this poem was quoted in a movie I saw yesterday. Unfortunately, they left out the words that give it true meaning, the words about our identity as children of God. I thought I'd share the whole thing with you here.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

30 Hour Famine

2007-04-17T16:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not all that easily amazed, but this Sunday I was pretty blown away. But let me start at the beginning...

Last summer my frustration was building over taking people to Africa and having them come back and resume their normal, American lives. I was even more frustrated that I would go over to Africa summer after summer and return to my normal, American life. But then a few weeks later at Soulfest I was impressed with the attention and priority they gave to certain humanitarian relief organizations. It was there I was first introduced to Invisible Children and To Write Love On Her Arms and Zack with The Amazing Change. I met people at lots of different booths with lots of different organizations that were making a difference in the lives of the poor and oppressed around the world.

That fall we decided to give those organizations a little face time at youth group. Every couple weeks we'd introduce a different ministry making a difference in people's lives and challenge the kids to find a need they could get passionate about and do something about it. It was about this time that I picked up a little book called The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. In the book he shared his story of how he came to actually live like he believed what Jesus said. He speaks of working in leper colonies in India with Mother Theresa, and helping save a group of homeless families living in a condemned church, and traveling to Iraq to love on the innocent people effected by war. He challenged me to live like I believe what Jesus said, love society's outcasts, give what I have to the poor, trust that God will take care of my needs. And that's when I met Katy.

The Upper Room is a Christian ministry to the poor that gives everything away, food, clothes, household items, toys for kids, everything goes out absolutely free. Yet Katy told me, in all the years they've been open God has always provided for all their needs. She tells me amazing stories of all that's God's done to change people's lives and the community around them. Since working there I've learned so much about what it means to "be" charity and how, like Shane says in his book, people don't help the poor because people don't know the poor.

So in our efforts to introduce the youth group kids to what's really going on in the world, we decided to do World Vision's 30 Hour Famine with our group. (yes, I'm finally getting to that) So on Friday after lunch we started fasting. We gathered that evening at the church and spent the rest of the Famine together learning about hunger and poverty around the world and how we can help. Saturday morning we visited Katy at the Upper Room and helped pack up the extra winter coats to send to Africa. We went on a food scavenger hunt to collect food and other items to donate. We learned that 29,000 children die each day from malnutrition and preventable causes and wallpapered our sanctuary with fingerprints for each of those children. We prayed for the countries around the world where World Vision is helping. And then, 30 (and a half) hours later we broke fast together.

Famine Sunday

Sunday morning we were given the sermon time to share our experiences with the congregation. We shared a little bit about what we did, but mostly we shared our hearts about these pressing issues, issues that we can do something about. One of the students, Kirk, talked about why he had given up going to a concert at his school where he could get free pizza and kool-aid to come to church and fast for 30 hours. We shared about the 29,000 fingerprints around the room and how just $1 a day could feed a child for a day. A World Vision rep spoke about her recent trip to Africa and lined up child sponsorship packets across the front of the stage for people to take. And then I stood up and spoke bold words from the Scriptures, much bolder than I felt to be honest. I said it's more blessed to give than receive, and if you have 2 coats give one to somebody who needs it. I read from James 1:22, "Do not just listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." I read what's quickly becoming a new favorite, 1 John 3:17-18, "If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

That's when it started. As we closed with a video challenging people that they have one life, do something with it, people got out of their seats and came right up front to take a child sponsorship packet. And not just one or two, they kept coming. Afterward, people who've never really talked to me before kept coming up to me asking about the Upper Room and how they wanted to take their kids down to help out. Young kids were asking me how they could donate their clothes to the Upper Room. One lady even handed me her expensive Anne Klein coat saying, "I don't need this." I was so overwhelmed, and excited at the same time. I was so proud of the kids and youth leaders who went 30 hours without food so others could eat, and as a result inspired a congregation to love "not with words or tongue but with actions". Oftentimes my expectations end with what man can accomplish, but this weekend I was overwhelmed by God. Now I have my own story to tell Katy.

[Here are a few links to sponsor children with World Vision, Compassion International, or Hope's Promise, Namibia.]

2007-04-08T23:43:00.000-04:00

I must say I'm quite pleased at how our philosophy of missions has grown over the last few years since taking short-term trips to Namibia. Tonight I was sitting in a training meeting for this summer's team and we talked mostly about conversation topics. We talked about the sexual purity material that our hosts use and what kinds of questions our team members might expect to hear in classrooms. We talked about what kinds of lies kids grow up hearing in that culture and how to talk about hope and a good future. Basically, we talked about how to have a conversation with people.

I love that we say our missions trips are all about relationships, but then we actually make them about relationships. Our training sessions prepare people on how to build relationships, how to talk to people, what to expect in conversations. We consistently go back to the same place, working with the same people, continually building into those relationships summer after summer. We don't bring our own agenda, but get involved in things that our hosts are already doing. We listen to people's stories. We encourage people's dreams. We speak hope to people who have long since lost it. We break down generations of racial barriers. We pick up trash and show communities that they're worth a little dignity. We laugh with the unloved. We cry with the abused. We hold the abandoned. And that has made all the difference.

Success looks different for us too. People always ask us if anybody got "saved" or if what we're doing there is really making a difference. People want visible, observable results...but God doesn't always work that way. God's work in people's hearts is a lifelong process. Our goal isn't to get somebody to say a little prayer or cross some threshold. We just want to move people closer than where they are, however closer looks. To me, it looks like a girl who went in 05 keeping up with a Namibian friend on Facebook. It looks like past team members going back again and again and inviting family and friends to go with them, some even giving up their personal vacation time to go visit our friends on their own. It looks like team members requesting to see certain people by name when we get there this summer. Success is ongoing relationships because that's what moves people closer, one conversation at a time.

So that excites me, to be a part of a church that not only talks about, but makes missions relational. We've come a long way in a few short years, but for us, I think it's all part of the conversation that's moving us closer.

The tragedy of social capital

2007-04-03T13:46:00.000-04:00

I'm growing quite disturbed with a tendency I see in our culture, mostly because I see it in myself. To put it simply, I'm speaking of the tendency to surround ourselves with "beautiful" people to make ourselves look cool. We make friends or associate ourselves with people who are beautiful, or talented, or popular to improve our social capital (our value in society). The problem with that is it only feeds the concept that value is based on beauty or talent or popularity. It becomes something extrinsic, so if we're not born with it (physical appearance, athleticism, personality, etc) then we have to fake it (fashion, makeup, working out, watching our waistline, etc). One of the ways we fake it is by having other "cool" people think that we're "cool". It's all quite fickle and foolish, yet it keeps creeping up on me.

Instead, I want to value people because of their intrinsic beauty, because God made them special and that alone makes them beautiful. I don't want to feed society's ideal that value is external. Jesus loved people who were social outcasts. If it were today, he'd probably have disciples that were fat, geeky, unkempt, and poor. He saw past the external to their intrinsic beauty. He loved people because they were all valuable to God. That's how I want to love people, but too often it becomes mercenary, for my own gain. I end up building relationships to increase my social capital. And even relationships with "uncool" people are not for their sake, but so that I might appear compassionate. If someone could actually love people solely for what he could give and not for what he gets out of it, he would probably be the most different guy on the planet.

So I'm working on that, but it's not easy fighting against these selfish habits I've been raised to accept by my flesh and by this culture. But then, if love and grace were easy we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

This is harder than I'm willing to admit

2007-03-31T16:11:00.000-04:00

uugh, convicted. I hate that; well kind of, because then I realize I'm screwed up, but kind of not because then, hopefully, I can fix it. In Brennan Manning's re-released book entitled The Importance of Being Foolish he quotes Thomas Merton saying

One dimension of this convenient spirituality is our total insistence on ideals and intentions, in complete divorce from reality, from actions, and from social commitment. Whatever we interiorly desire, whatever we dream, whatever we imagine: that is the beautiful, the godly and the true. Pretty thoughts are enough. They substitute for everything else including charity, including life itself.

How many times do I imagine my own spirituality to be far deeper, far more authentic and powerful than it really is? Then I contently polish and display those false snapshots of my spiritual life meanwhile destroying any hope of experiencing the real thing. "The great mark of a Christian is what no other characteristic can replace, namely the example of a life which can only be explained in terms of God" (Emmanuel Suhard). We seem so content with a salvation that secures our eternal destiny. Only an American evangelical would deal in such absolutes. We're saved from far more than eternal damnation, we're saved from this living hell, life without God. It's always been about life. "I've come that they might have life, and have it to the full!" But rather than "walking in newness of life" I'm content drinking to the pleasures of this world while proudly boasting in my fictitious photographs of spirituality. How I long for a life that can only be explained in terms of God, yet I'm the only one holding me back.

Amazing Grace

2007-02-24T12:06:00.000-05:00

I went to see the new Amazing Grace movie yesterday, which opened on Feb 23, two hundred years to the day since William Wilberforce's bill to abolish the slave trade in Britain was passed in Parliament. I'm not a huge period film kinda guy but it was definitely worth the time and the $8.25 to go see. The film tells the story of Wilberforce's struggles to stand up for compassion and humanity in a time of desperate need. As a young politician, he decided to take on the injustice of the slave trade. Abolition had few supporters and the opposition was great. This is when his friend William Pitt reassures him, "We are too young to understand what is impossible, and too foolish not to do it." We find ourselves in a similar world that tolerates unspeakable injustices, while so many Christians are content to be ignorant and sit in their suburban churches leaving justice to the politicians. May I never sit idly by and watch the rich oppress the poor for their own gain. May my faith move me to act on their behalf, or why else am I still here. Wilberforce was a great man not because he was a great orator, or a great politician, but because he had great compassion. That's a challenge worth considering for us all.

Find out more about the film at www.amazinggracemovie.com. Find out more about the estimated 27 million slaves in the world today and how you can become a modern day abolitionist at www.theamazingchange.com.

History judges great men

2007-01-25T10:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had that idea in the back of your mind that you're destined for greatness? Everyone else around here might be content with normal but God has something so much bigger planned for your life. You can't really put your finger on it exactly but with all your potential you just know you're bound for great things. Now I do recognize that Jesus says things like, "The last will be first and the first will be last." I used to think that meant my delusions of grandeur were not biblically founded. I was suppose to want to be the ultimate servant, to help everybody else out at my own expense. But the more I come to understand Jesus I don't think that's quite what He meant. If you recognize that that statement comes in the midst of a conversation about selling all you have and giving to the poor, and how the disciples gave everything they had to follow Jesus, then it almost seems like that's the very secret of greatness. He's not redefining greatness like I used to think. He's redefining how to get there. How many of us don't think the disciples were great, or Adoniram Judson, or Jim Elliot, or Mother Theresa. Their greatness comes from actually following Jesus instead of just reading about Him and studying Him. They lived out what He said and history doesn't know what to make of it. It doesn't make sense why they would give up their lives to love people, but that's exactly why they're remembered as great. Shane Claiborne quotes Mother Theresa as saying, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." (Check out Shane's book The Irresistable Revolution) We all talk about pursuing excellence or greatness in what we do. How about we start pursuing excellently living out what Jesus said. When was the last time you heard somebody say 'I want to be really good at following Jesus.' Maybe when we stop trying to be great theologians, or great speakers, or great Christians, and just become great lovers of the poor, the fatherless, and the widowed, maybe then we'll be a little closer to what it means to follow Jesus.

Dare you to move

2007-01-11T21:43:00.000-05:00

"The Lord will work out His plans for my life--for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for You made me." Ps 138:8

I'm kind of sick of suburban culture for what it reveals in my life. (I started to write "for what it makes me into" but it doesn't 'make' me. If it wasn't in me in the first place then I wouldn't act the way I do. So I say the culture reveals things in me that I don't like to see.) I spent some time with my brother and nephew tonight. We went to a little arcade where he could play games for a quarter and we could get some pizza. My brother says it's good to take a break and laugh and play and put life behind you for a little while to get your mind off the stress. In suburbia we stress about stupid stuff like what to wear today or what restaraunt to eat at or what movie to watch tonight. Somewhere somebody's stressing about what their kids going to eat tomorrow, how they're going to pay for last months rent, when they're gonna get a break and be able to get ahead. And I'm not even talking Africa, because that's far worse, but I'm not in Africa. I'm sitting on my couch flipping channels while somebody just down the road is barely scraping by. Why do I let myself put so much value in things that don't matter? Why do I waste my life away on my own comforts when there's so many people right outside my door that need to be loved? My complacency is my own discontentment. I wonder if helping someone else get their mind off their problems isn't more theraputic for me in the end. I'm reminded of a few things I've learned over many trips to Namibia that I'll end with...1) God put each of us in our own unique circumstances for a reason, 2) There are 'invisible children' everywhere, and 3) You can't save them all, but you can make all the difference to the one right in front of you.

First 'blog post' of 2007

2007-01-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

I'm struck deep by Augustine's illustration of carrying this burden of sin like a burden of sleep, something we know we need to wake from but find it so difficult to do. All this talk of sin recently has brought me face to face with grace. The kind of grace that surrounds any interaction with the Almighty, so much so that it's dripping with it. The kind of grace that covers us and smooths out all the bumps like liquid chocolate on a strawberry. The irony is I try so hard to avoid grace in my efforts to be perfect. I do everything I can to convince others and myself that I don't need grace. But the truth is, if it were not for my sin, my bumps, I would never know the grace of God. So the very thing I'm hiding from is the very thing that will lead me to Him. Afterall, it was the spiritual ones who thought they 'got it' that Jesus so heavily criticized. It was the messy people that surrounded Him. To a helplessly devoted perfectionist, this is a hard pill to swallow. And living in a culture that performs for it's approval, this doesn't make any sense. We do everything we can to look good, and surround ourselves with people that will only make us look better. This upside-down nature of grace doesn't fit the system of life that I've created for myself. That's why it's so much easier to roll over and go back to sleep, even though I know it's far better to be awake, I just don't know how to live there. So I'm left to battle my culture, and myself, not for first place, but for last, not to be greater, but to be less. It's a tough battle because it goes against everything I've ever known. But there's a joy that I know can never be found on this side of the battle, which leaves only the fight. And that's why I can never give up. It's worth it, and heaven knows I can be pretty stubborn sometimes. :)

Confessions

2006-12-28T21:19:00.000-05:00

Accompanying my recent thoughts on sin has been my reading through St. Augustine's Confessions. The following passage is an excellent commentary on Romans 7. I know it's long and it'll take some wading through the olde rhetoric but it's so intense, it's worth the trouble. And just so you know, he writes in prayers so 'you' refers to God.

"The enemy held my will in his power and from it he had made a chain and shackled me. For my will was perverse and lust had grown from it, and when I gave in to lust, habit was born, and when I did not resist the habit it became a necessity. These were the links which together formed what I have called my chain, and it held me fast in the duress of servitude. But the new will which had come to life in me and made me wish to serve you freely and enjoy you, my God, who are our only certain joy, was not yet strong enough to overcome the old, hardened as it was by the passage of time. So these two wills within me, one old, one new, one the servant of the flesh, the other of the spirit, were in conflict and between them they tore my soul apart....

"Instead of fearing, as I ought, to be held back by all that encumbered me, I was frightened to be free of it. In fact I bore the burden of the world as contentedly as one sometimes bears a heavy load of sleep. My thoughts, as I meditated upon you, were like the efforts of a man who tries to wake but cannot and sinks back into the depths of slumber. No one wants to sleep forever, for everyone rightly agrees that it is better to be awake. Yet a man often staves off the effort to rouse himself when his body is leaden with inertia. He is glad to settle down once more, although it is against his better judgement and it is already time he were up and about. In the same way I was quite sure that it was better for me to give myself up to your love than to surrender to my own lust. But while I wanted to follow the first course and was convinced that it was right, I was still a slave to the pleasures of the second....

"For the rule of sin is the force of habit, by which the mind is swept along and held fast even against its will, yet deservedly, because it fell into the habit of its own accord. 'Pitiable creature that I was, who was to set me free from a nature thus doomed to death? Nothing else than the grace of God, through Jesus Christ our Lord.'"

I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

2006-12-26T21:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how much I really understand this whole life as a Christian thing. It seems some of the time I think the point is to be more like Christ. That's kinda been drilled into our heads, especially with the whole 'What Would Jesus Do' scheme. So when that's my goal I create in my mind a linear chart I call "spiritual maturity" where the longer I'm a Christian the closer I get toward actual perfection. I understand God as one who is pleased when I do well and frowns when I sin saying, "Well you're forgiven in Christ, but don't do that again." But then I do and the frustration and disappointment floods back again and my chart takes a dive. What I don't realize is that in charting my progress I'm the judge of what sins are worthy to keep one from 'greater spiritual maturity' and which ones can be quietly overlooked. So for example, I could go a whole day being completely selfish but without blowing up at anybody, being dishonest, or looking at porn and I think I'm one step closer to perfection, as if God's impressed with my display of what I call 'good Christianity'. I don't often think this way consciously in my mind, but that's frequently how I live out my life.

Then sometimes, when I'm sitting in utter depression because I screwed up and let God down, I think the whole point is something more like 'Jesus loves me, this I know.' And if that's the case, then 'moral failure' and the resulting 'guilt' simply become more opportunity for Him to pour out His love on me. Not that I purposefully sin so that grace may abound - by no means - but when I do it takes a sideline to the overwhelming joy of God's grace. I understand God as one who is just waiting for the opportunity to pour out His grace and forgiveness that I may glory in His love for me. As a result, I lose the utter hatred for everything that goes against the character of God. Sin, all of a sudden, while never ok, is not so bad because with it comes a lavishing of grace.

So most of the time I end up sitting under the harmonious contradiction of God's love and His holiness, His mercy and His justice. That's usually when I crank the volume on the stereo and set the song When I Survey The Wondrous Cross on repeat. My dad told me that the Western mind always needs to connect the dots, to find some reasonable explanation to figure out the mystery. The Eastern mind on the other hand (our Jewish brothers who wrote the Bible), are completely content leaving different concepts in different boxes. They're ok with a holy God that loves sinners. To me that seems like a paradox that I'm left struggling to figure out...

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride...."

Grace for more than drug-addicts and sex offenders

2006-12-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who said he often feels like he has no testimony to share next to people who've been saved out of some seriously "sinful" lifestyles. After all, you have to admit "I grew up in church, got saved when I was 4, and lived happily ever after" isn't that impressive a display of God's grace....or is it? Truth of the matter is every one of us has been saved from a heart that's twisted and broken, deceptive and selfish. If God had allowed me to go my own way, then my story would be as sad and desperate as many others I've heard. But he didn't. Because of God's grace in my life He saved me from all that rather than saving me out of all that. Because of God's grace in my life I don't have to give into the selfish desires of my heart. I couldn't do that by myself. I know the thoughts of my heart, and it scares me to think if they were to have their way. It's only by God's grace that I can make choices contrary to my selfishness.

A prime example came up for me this week, and it allows me great opportunity to boast in God's grace. I have long been planning a trip to North Carolina to visit with the fam over the holidays. I was going to drive my car down and visit with friends on my way to and from. My brother and sister-in-law had to make their visit the week prior because of work commitments. However, when they were there they had car trouble and had to leave their car in the shop. So the new plan became that they would drive my parents Suburban home, which I would return when I drove down, and drive back up with their car. Seems like a great plan, minus one small objection, my selfish heart. I'm quite comfortable and familiar with my own car and all the amenities it provides, everything short of serving drinks and a bag of pretzels. This may seem like a small deal for many, but comfort and familiarity are a big deal on a long trip. So needless to say, it was not with ease that I consented to the new plan, but only by God's grace. Were I to make that decision on my own, I would've said make other arrangements cause I've been planning this for months and this is what I want to do. It's only the grace of God that could allow me to say no to my own selfish desires and agree to the alternative plan. And as a result my joy abounds. Not my joy in my own selfish comfort, but my joy in knowing I'm not a slave to my selfish desires. I can choose love over self. But not on my own, it's God's grace that saved me from these things. God continues to show His grace in my life everyday that He allows me to defeat my selfish heart. That's the grace that I boast in everyday. That's why I can stand next to the rehabbed drug-addict and former sex offender and say, "I too was lost, but now I'm found" and weep together in God's grace to selfish, messy sinners.

An Invitation

2006-09-14T20:10:00.000-04:00

Lately I've had on my mind this whole idea that God's inviting us to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. I haven't really written much about it on here but it's been coming up for me on a pretty regular basis. Most recently I preached a sermon about it this past Sunday so I thought I'd share it with you. You can hear it here if you like, or you can read a rough text here. I'm not usually a fan, but I kind of enjoyed it this time. It's easy when you're preaching from your heart. The Sunday after we got back from Namibia, I stood up and shared a little bit about what I'd been learning. When I was done I realized how easy and natural it was (compared to my previous preaching ventures) because I was just sharing my heart. So this time around I decided to prepare a little differently and just speak from my heart. And like I said, I enjoyed this so much more, and from the feedback I got, so did everyone else. I hope you do as well. Peace

There and back again

2006-07-30T21:57:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back from Namibia, and gone and back from TLC and now getting ready to leave for Soulfest later this week. It's been pretty wild, all this traveling, but every time I seem to learn something new about myself or ministry or something else. The Education of Life, I think they call it. There's no way to explain or summarize everything I've been processing through so far this summer in one blog post so I'll hit some highlights and leave the rest for the ongoing conversations.

Probably the biggest thing I've been interacting with is the sovereignty of God. God sovereignly arranges the events of our lives to bring about His desired ends. This much I know in my mind and I've even begun to base my life on it, but as I continue this journey with God I continue to discover to an increasing fullness the true extent of His sovereignty. While the choices and decisions of the immediate moment seem to be mine, God has ordained them all. God put together our team, planning a unique experience and purpose for each person. God designed the relationships we would develop and the people with which each of us would enter into conversation. God foreknew the pain and emotion those relationships would cause, as well as the lessons that can only be learned on the other side of pain. God uniquely chose me and the 5 others in my Kombie to be in a death-defying car accident and walk away virtually unharmed. God ordained it all, before any of it came to be. Why? Well, that answer I will never know in it's entirety so long as I am still enslaved to time, but I can see some good. I can see a student experience for the first time the peace that God's in control. I can see another student share a testimony and interact with people she never would have met if she had stayed on her original team. I can see a hesitant introvert break down walls by risking to love and refuse to rebuild them after hurt and pain. I can't see it all, but I can see just enough to sustain me so that when I see absolutely no good, like sitting next to John Burke in hospice care thinking of his 16 year old daughter who just lost her brother to the same brain tumor, I can still trust that God knows what He's doing, that all this is for a reason, and that there's some good buried in all this pain.

A few people have expressed to me how much they enjoyed my final post on our Namibia 2006 Blogsite (Reflections). Apparently it's helped some people or maybe they just liked the style or something. Some even said I have a talent and should be a writer. I don't know about that, but I am glad it's helped some people. Ultimately I just chase down some thoughts running around in my head and scratch them down on paper. How God has it all worked out that the circumstances He uses to make me think certain things to make me write certain things to make somebody else find and read them and then use them in their heart, that's all a mystery to me. But then, who would want to follow a God they could fully understand and explain anyway.

It's Namibia time again

2006-06-29T13:35:00.000-04:00

Well for the next two and a half weeks I will be living what many only dream (except for the 18 hour flights I suppose). There's just something about Africa that you can't get away from. They say the African sand mixes with your blood so you have to keep going back. For me, it's more like a calling home, a sense that this is how life should be lived without all the distractions and nothing more than the goal of loving on people. What seems so important to me today will fade to the back of my mind, waiting to be reawakened upon my return. Perhaps Africa is my calling, perhaps America is my calling. But one thing I know, wherever I am, to love is the greatest calling.

With that fine introduction, you can continue sharing in the journey by reading the stories, browsing the pictures, watching the videos, and more on our blogsite dedicated to the trip. Feel free to leave me comments there. I will get them eventually. Hope you enjoy the ride!

http://namibia2006.blogspot.com

Concerning cultural idolatry

2006-05-20T10:28:00.000-04:00

I have been enjoying a recent conversation with a friend on his blog about how much our Christianity has been shaped by our American culture, particularly our materialism. I was reminded of this conversation while reading about the kings of Israel in the Old Testament. After Solomon died, two tribes followed his son, Rehoboam, but the other 10 tribes split off to follow Jeroboam. Now Jeroboam was no moron and began to realize that if all his people kept going down to worship at the temple in Jerusalem then their allegiance would return to Rehoboam. So he made two golden calves so the people could stay in Israel and worship. Well, after Jeroboam died and other kings came along, they kept the calves around so people wouldn't have to return to Jerusalem. Some of them tried hard to follow God, they tore down Asherah poles and altars to Baal. They killed prophets to other gods. But none of them got rid of the golden calves. It says each of them "followed in the idolatry that their father, Jeroboam son of Nebat, had caused Israel to commit." They allowed their culture to shape their behavior. Rather than follow what God told them to do, they filtered what God told them through what their culture told them. In other words, they followed their culture first and God second. Unfortunately, that sounds real familiar. How often do we follow our culture before we follow God. God's commands and character is very important to us, quite a high priority, but only to the extent that our culture allows. For example, from my previous conversation about materialism, in response to the question of how to receive eternal life, Jesus tells a rich man to sell all his possessions and give them to the poor, then come follow Him. We tend to focus more on saying a prayer to be "born again" rather than actually following Christ. We've allowed people to continue in their cultural idolatry by simply adding God to a list of gods to be worshiped. Like Jeroboam and the kings of Israel, we follow the commands that fit our culture, but we don't have courage enough to follow God first no matter what culture would say. Imagine what would happen if we did.

Row 11 Seat C

2006-05-17T13:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I found myself sitting in the airport waiting for my flight on Southwest. Now Southwest doesn't assign seats so the trick is to get in seating order 'A' and get there early so you can get a good seat. So I got there plenty early, in fact, there were only a few others in the waiting area when I arrived. After about a half hour or more, still before the plane even arrived, I saw this couple walk up and plop themselves down in front of the gate so as to be the first in line. Now I thought to myself, "How arrogant of them to think they can pass by all these people who've been waiting here ahead of them to get a seat on the plane." As soon as that couple sat down as if "in line", it started an onslaught of others rushing for a spot in line lest they get left with a middle seat, like the first drop of water that breaks through the dam. As the lines continued to get longer I kept thinking, "The nerve of these people to think they have any more right to get a better seat then me cause they stood up in line. I've been waiting here longer than all of them", which naturally gives me more of a right than them to get a better seat. "It's not like they're going to run out of seats before you get there. It's a huge plane, just get over yourselves and wait like all of us have had to." Fortunately, from where I was sitting close to the gate, the line extended backward pretty far, so my mind concieved a plan where I would just stand up and make my way to the gate as if there was no line and these presumptuous people were simply standing there for no particular reason. But the longer I sat there I began to actually listen to what I was thinking, that it really is just a seat on the plane and it's awful selfish to think that I should force my rights on them who actually think they have more rights because they've been standing and I sitting. I began to think of Paul talking about yielding his rights and that it's better to be wronged than to make a big deal about it and take someone to court like the world. So I decided it would probably be better of me and more Christlike to make my way back to the end of "the line" and allow the presumptuous people on the plane ahead of me. Afterall I would still get a pretty good seat because I was in the 'A' line. Eventually the plane arrived and people began shuttling off and my mind was fighting with itself over where to get in line. Then the little red 'A' light came on and we were called to board. I watched myself stand up, collect my things and make my way straight to the gate.

Why is it that our selfish desires carry so much more weight than our desire to love? Why is it that my heart tells me it's not that big a deal but my mind is so much more concerned with my comfortable seating preference? Why do I cling so tightly to what I consider to be my earthly rights? This whole process of becoming less and less earthly minded is a tough battle, especially when what I want is in such contradiction to what I know. And since it's my mind that chooses my behavior I'm pretty much screwed, huh. Oh how I long to just 'get over myself' and love people with selfless abandon.

I ended up with a phenomenal seat, an aisle seat in the exit row, couldn't ask for more. But as the guilt poured on and the eyes of those behind me bored holes in the back of my head I kept wishing I could take it back. I pulled out my book, Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin McManus, and read about how the choices we make define the moments in which we live. He writes, "If a moment is the gate through which your divine journey begins, then choice is the key that unlocks the adventure." Figures.

To dream or not to dream...

2006-03-12T19:07:00.000-05:00

Before you read this post, make sure you get a little context by reading the latest Pascal quote that I've been thinking on lately. Also the movie Vanilla Sky may come to mind if you've ever seen it.

The question at hand relates to our insatiable desire to always want to be somewhere else, to do something else with our lives, something bigger, something better. We dream...and we're far better off for it, I do believe. What greatness would ever be achieved if we didn't dream? I resonate with George Mallory who, in response to the question "Why climb Everest?" replied, "Because it's there." It called out a challenge to him. It gave him a dream. Dreams are about being involved in something bigger than yourself. Something bigger than average, better than normal. Have you ever awoken from a dream only to wish you could fall back asleep because you quite enjoyed it there? It was much more enjoyable and satisfying than the reality you wake up to. That present reality, which we all live in, is far to real, with all it's pains, frustrations, annoyances, interruptions, discontentment. So we dream. Yet dreams are merely a hope, a favorable expectation of a future that may or may not ever exist. But in contrast to this present reality, we dream in perfect color, the way things could be. So we're lead to the question, if our dreams are so great, why don't we drop everything and pursue them with abandon? What is it that keeps us from following our dreams? Fear perhaps. Fear of the unknown. Fear that if we pursue our dream into the present then it may not be as perfect as we imagined it to be. Fear that if it doesn't work out then we'll have nothing to fall back on. And so we remain in discontented reality...with our dreams. But what of those who do follow their dreams? Those who give up average for the hope of fulfillment? When they get there, is it all they imagined it to be? Or do they only find another dream, like climbing to the top of a mountain only to find another mountain on the other side of the valley? So ultimately we've come to the question, is it possible to live your dream? Does anyone ever really honestly say I wouldn't rather be doing anything else than what I'm doing right now, I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than where I am right now? Is that true contentment? Is that life fulfillment?

I'm not totally convinced. Like Pascal says, we can't go on living in times that are not our own (ie, the future, our dreams). The only time we have to live is the present. So does that devalue our dreams? On the contrary, I think it revalues the in-betweens. Follow your dreams, but live the journey. Climb your Everest, but find joy in the climb, not just the summit. Maybe in the end dreams aren't really a place to be, or something to do, but a joy to hold. To hold that joy in this present reality, in the everyday, that's contentment, that's the dream.

So we continue to dream...and are much better off for it, I do believe.

Concerning fear, love, and loss

2006-03-06T12:58:00.000-05:00

So I was just watching one of my favorite movies, Good Will Hunting, and I was struck by a conversation that paralleled some things that have recently been stirring my thinking. In a conversation between Will, an emotionally detached, young genius, and Sean, his shrink, Will asks if Sean ever wondered what his life would be like if he had never married his wife, who had died of cancer two years earlier. Sean goes on to reply that he never regretted the years of joy because of the years of pain, but he would've regretted seeing this girl in a bar and never knowing what would've happened if he had only talked with her. Meanwhile, Will doesn't want to give his heart to this girl, Skylar, because he's afraid that if she finds out about all his imperfections then she'll leave. He's not convinced the potential joy is worth the hypothetical loss.

That reminds me of these words I recently wrote to a friend:

Why is it that love always has to end in loss? Truly the tragic curse of the soul, our greatest hurt bound intimately with our greatest joy. But I suppose it's destined to work out that way. So then we're left with "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I guess I can accept that.

This goes right along with that quote from Pascal [reference earlier post]. If we constantly fear the pain of loss destined in the future then we will never experience the joy of love in the present. Or on the other hand, as with my friend and I, if we cling to our grief, remembering past loves, we miss those opportunities of new loves right in front of us. Or as Sean, the shrink, would say, it's time to put your money back on the table and see what kind of cards you get.

We never keep to the present.

2006-03-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

"We never keep to the present. We . . . anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise that we wander about in times that do not belong to us and do not think of the only one that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the only one that is . . . [We] think of how we are going to arrange things over which we have no control for a time we can never be sure of reaching . . . Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so." ~Blaise Pascal

I've quite enjoyed meditating on that quote recently and don't have much commentary that could add to it, so I'll just let it speak for itself.

Love Advice from the Gridiron

2006-02-11T14:55:00.000-05:00

You often learn the most profound things from the oddest places. So it should be no big surprise that my recent discoveries concerning love come from none other than the football field. No surprise to some who know of my slightly less than fanatical love of football, but surprise to me nonetheless. As many of you probably know, my New England Patriots lost in the divisional round of the playoffs after winning the last 2 Super Bowls. They were on their way to an unprecedented 3 consecutive Super Bowl victories when they were stopped short by their first playoff loss in at least 5 years. Now I've experienced playoff losses before, even a Super Bowl loss, but none struck me quite as hard as this one, and that's what took me by surprise. But that's also what helped me to realize that grief is proportional to love. You know exactly what I mean because those people who right now are saying, "Oh good grief" really have no love for the game, or a particular team. They say that those who can utter the words "It's only a game" have no love for the game. And those who say "There's always next year" just don't quite understand. But for those of us who have invested so much into following their team from free agency, to draft day, to training camp, through pre-season, the ups and downs of the regular season, and triumphantly into the post-season, there is nothing but this season. One friend told me this year he's been following the Minnesota Vikings since their induction to the league in 1961. For those fans, affectionately termed by some as fan-atics, there is nothing greater than watching your team hoist the Lombardi trophy in the air surrounded by confetti in team colors. And it's the ever present hope of that scene that causes us to carry on. But as there is always joy in love, so there is also grief. Two books that I have read recently have also helped greatly along these lines, A Severe Mercy by Sheldon VanHauken and A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Grief and loss are not one in the same, nor should they be feared as though they are not a natural part of love. Grief helps clarify and identify love. We shouldn't run from it as though to cut it off before it's natural term, nor over-extend it as though to keep our beloved alive. It's the continuing process of love, not a state or a phase, but an ongoing process. It's a necessary part of the journey of love. I don't know what action I mean to imply by these thoughts. Perhaps it would shed a little light on what it means to "mourn with those who mourn" if we really knew the true extent of love. Perhaps it would help us to love a little deeper understanding that loss is inevitable and grief is a consummation of love. Or perhaps just to stop telling me "it's only a game, get over it", to figure out what things you grieve over with the thought of loss, and to embrace them with all your heart. Because it's true that deeper love brings greater loss, but it also brings greater joy, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Desires of the Spiritual Life

2005-12-31T13:12:00.000-05:00

My latest ponderings have been over the question of desires, also termed wants, affections, pleasures, satisfaction. How much does desire have to do with the spiritual life? My friend, Richard Griffin, proposes that spirituality is "wanting to want what God wants." Along those lines I might propose a three tiered processes of spirituality. We begin in life wanting what's best for us. This is a very carnal, fleshy, self-centered stage. We can see this clearly in our natural development. Babies cry when they don't get what they want. Children fight, rebel and manipulate to get what they want. Many never grow out of this stage through their teen and adult years. These learned tendencies from childhood don't disappear with maturity but, to different extent for all, haunt us for the rest of our lives. If you think I'm painting this in a bad light you are absolutely correct, for a baby's very survival depends on it's demanding what it wants. It's not always evil-intentioned, but natural. Satisfaction at this stage can be found in both believers and non-believers. Carnal spirituality naturally accompanies youth and immaturity. However, true joy is not found in this stage. If we stall our development in this stage because we are too enamored with our own selfish desires we are, as C.S. Lewis says, "far too easily pleased."

The second stage I would propose is a subtle shift from wanting our best to wanting what's best for others. In this stage we come to realize we are not the center of our own universe, that other people have desires of their own, and that it is indeed a joy to help them fulfill those desires. This is Jesus' command, "Love your neighbor as yourself." In this stage we also find those who believe in Christ and those who do not. Lately the media has been flooded with celebrities and humanitarian aid missions that that help fulfill others desires for their own joy, ie. Angelina Jolie, Red Cross, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, etc. They love others not for Christ's sake but for the secret joy found only in wanting what's best for others. However, this too is not the ultimate joy. We must press on to stage three to discover the true joy in fulfilling our created purpose.

The third stage I propose is moving from wanting what's best for others to wanting what's best for the Kingdom. This is the only stage that limits itself to those believers in Christ because its very satisfaction is found in God. This is Jesus' command, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength." This is Bernard of Clairvaux's fourth degree of love: Love of self for God's sake. This is John Piper's theme, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." This is Job saying, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." This is us finding our desire, our affection, our satisfaction in the advancement of glory of God. It means trusting in His sovereignty and saying with Christ in Gethsemene, "Not mine, but Your will be done." Wanting to want what God wants, our greatest joy in His greatest glory.

"Your name and Your renown are the desire of our hearts." (Is. 26:8)
"Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart." (Ps. 37:4)

2005-12-07T20:13:00.000-05:00

Today was John Burke's funeral. John was more of an acquaintance of mine than a friend. We conversed in church on occasion when his family started attending Christ's Church a little over a year and a half ago. He came over and played frisbee with us once last summer. John had a tumor in his brain stem which made it inoperable. I remember the first time I visited John at home once he was bedridden. As we walked in the door you couldn't help but be overcome by the smell of the stale air, a smell I would strangely come to welcome upon each return. It always seemed a little awkward, especially at first until I became better acquainted with the family, and one never quite knew what to say so I was content to hide behind my guitar as simply a quiet reassurance that there were people who cared. The cancer and lack of mobility had taken it's toll on John's physical body. He couldn't really talk or move around a lot. We sang a few songs and he rocked his foot along off beat. God was in the room that night. I knew He was, because I knew the pain of this precious family was but an echo of the pain of the Father. They would not attend a dying son and brother alone, because God was there, and He was crying with them. As awkward as it could be I was always pleased to go back there because I knew it was a place where God was. The last time was late Thursday morning. We went to support Rose and Sarah and Jess and to see John Sr, who was also recovering from an operation removing his own brain tumor. Why so much in one family I will never understand. John died later that afternoon. He was only 23. Though from the stories I heard and the pictures I saw today it was a full 23 years. I think I would've like John if I'd gotten to know him. I think that a lot when I go to funerals. They miss who they've known. I miss ever getting to know him. It's a sobering reminder to take advantage of every opportunity, every conversation. Because I fear my greatest regret will not be something I've done, but the many somethings I was too afraid to do.

In memory of John Burke, 1982-2005

For Rose, John Sr, Jess, Dan, and especially Sarah: "Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands" Isaiah 49:15-16

2005-11-11T20:53:00.000-05:00

Another month, another post. Or should I say, another slow friday night, another post. Lately my mind's been mulling around this topic of grace, this idea that the more I recognize the reality of my sinfulness, the more I will delight in God's grace. Or as Jesus said, he who has been forgiven much, loves much. Manning suggests that it's in our moments of greatest defeat that we can find the greatest satisfaction in His grace. But it's really hard to see it that way sometimes. Maybe it is all a matter of perspective but my sin always seems to lead to disappointment, with myself, with being seduced by "lovers less wild," defeat in not doing what I want to do but doing what I hate. Maybe it is unrealistic expectations. Maybe it's not bad to come to the end of myself. Maybe it knocks me off my high lofty perch that I so delicately build for myself, propping up more and more fragile supports to decieve others, and often myself, that I actually belong there. Maybe it's this very circular reasoning that brings me back to the grace of God, flooding anew over a disappointed, defeated wretch like me. That might be a grace worth delighting in.

In other news, I read an article recently about C.S. Lewis' view of literature (He was a literature professor after all). He suggested that art is to be "recieved" and not "used". He said that to "use" art for your own ends is mercenary, that art is meant to be "recieved" by the reader/viewer/listener/whatever. For example, the author of the article suggested many pastors will come up with many a sermon outline tying into the new Chronicles of Narnia movie. He said that defeats the purpose of the movie. I think I like that perspective. It puts words to what I've long thought to be true. So now, when you go to see the movie, watch it for what you can get out of it, not how you can use it. Ok, enough from me for now. Peace.

Confessions of a Sporatic Blogger

2005-10-02T22:08:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make.  I must say I haven't made a real post in quite some time simply because of my superfluous desire (used a thesaurus for that one, cool word huh) to sound good (case and point with the thesaurus).  See, what I write here shapes your perception of me.  How I act, how I look, all those things shape others' perceptions of me.  So I never write much because I don't have something super spiritual sounding to say and therefore would effect your perception of me.  Even this post I've been laboring over trying to figure out how to communicate what I want to say.  Well today I discovered it in a most unexpected place, in the book of Song of Solomon and a sermon from the 3rd century.

In his First Homily, Origen relates the first 12 verses of chapter 1 of the book of Song of Solomon to Christ's relationship with the church.  In verse 6 the Beloved declares she's become dark skinned because her brothers made her work in the vineyards all day.  She's ashamed because she was caring so much for the other vineyards that she couldn't care for the vineyard of her own body.  Origen's point being that God loves us no matter how we look on the outside, but I think we as the church have it backwards.  We're so busy caring for how spiritual we look outside that we neglect the true relationship.  It's been said before in many ways, the church has come to look an awful lot like Pharisees.  But these messages that have been preached to me so many times before, that I've repeated to others, are beginning to take deeper root in my soul.  Rather than trying to deceive myself into believing that I'm more spiritual than I really am - and that even if I were, that would make God accept me any more or less - I need to count myself in the ranks of the lost, only drawn close to the Father because of the gospel of grace.

Brennan Manning writes, "As a sinner who has been redeemed, I can acknowledge that I am often unloving, irritable, angry, and resentful with those closest to me.  When I go to church I can leave my white hat at home and admit I have failed.  God not only loves me as I am, but also knows me as I am.  Because of this I don't need to apply spiritual cosmetics to make myself presentable to Him.  I can accept ownership of my poverty and powerlessness and neediness."

Ok, this post is getting long enough (thanks to those persistent few who have endured).  And if these thoughts seem redundant for you, continue to read them and continue to listen, because maybe not this time, or the next, but one of these times, like me, it'll start to sink in.  Then it'll be the sweetest thing you've ever known and you'll never hear enough.  Thanks for stickin with.  Peace.

2005-09-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

The following is the summary letter about my trip to Namibia this summer that I wrote to my support partners. I thought I'd also share it here for anyone interested. If you'd like to see pics from the trip you can check out either Mike's Photo Gallery or G.O. Team Namibia 2005 Photo Gallery.

Dear Friends and Family,

Well the weather's starting to cool and the leaves are starting to turn and the summer life of this traveling vagabond is finally settling back into some semblance of routine. This finally gives me opportunity to try and put into words the incredible opportunities that God's allowed me to be involved with this summer, in large part due to your prayers and support.

I've been to Namibia four times now, but have never quite had the trouble trying to describe our trip as I now have. As many of you know, we partnered with Melissa Hoffman Dance Center to form this year's Global Outreach team to Namibia, that included 1 dance teacher, 14 dancers, 2 family relatives, and 12 Christ's Church members. The majority of the team from MHDC had very little experience with God or church, so I quickly found myself in a position of challenging many of their preconceived ideas about church, pastors, and God with simply the way I lived my life.

While our "mission" in Namibia was to bring hope and the message of abstinence to Namibian secondary school students, the majority of my ministry took place back at camp amongst our own team. Sitting around the campfire at night and long car rides to our next performances offered the perfect forum for open, honest conversation about how God desires relationship with people. They asked phenomenal questions like what is "born again", what does it mean to dance for God, and how come I've never heard this before. These were conversations we could've had here at home, but probably never would have. It wasn't until we had shared such intense experiences that these questions even came up.

Now we expected to have some of those conversations in Africa, but what we didn't expect was for them to follow us back here. Through team reunion socials, families visiting Christ's Church, and the ever popular instant messaging technology we've been able to continue those conversations that started around the campfire. God's story that was seeded in their hearts long ago and watered in the plains of Africa, will continue to grow up in them long after our influence has come and gone.

During a few afternoons, after our school performances in the mornings, we were able to go to Vyf Rand, the squatters' camp community where our missionary friends, Dieter and Joan Morsbach, minister regularly. We would drive into town and kids would chase our vans all the way to the soccer field where we would pile out into the crowds of their eager, young faces just to play and dance with them. It didn't take long before each team member had their own little attatchment. For me it was Jonas. And every time we would pile out of the vans he would find me and come running up to jump into my arms. It was these kids that we had grown to love that were the hardest to leave. And it strikes me that God went a lot farther than 25,000 miles over 5 flights to show me how much He loved me.

There are so many stories to tell that a letter like this cannot begin to explain. But my hope is that you are encouraged in God's relentless love for you, that He would go through such extravagant means to show you how much He loves you. Thank you for joining me in this adventure by your continued prayers and financial support. I'm excited to see how God will continue to use the experiences and relationships of our trip for His glory in each of our lives.

In His Grip...

2005-07-18T19:24:00.000-04:00

Mostly I like life to be predictable because then I know what I'm getting myself into, but it often seems that what impacts your life the most are those things that take you by surprise. Such was the case for me in Africa. For the last two weeks I've been in Namibia with a team of 15 dancers and 13 others. I expected to go into this trip and love on these dancers like I do all my youth group kids, get to know them and experience life together with them. What I didn't expect was to have their love in return. And I don't just mean knowing these kids like you loving them, I mean always there for you, open their hearts to you, care about what's important to you kind of love. That's what took me by surprise. It's hard to explain the true significance of receiving love from others. For the longest time that seemed like a prideful, selfishness, but now it seems more like the consummation of the lover, to be loved by the beloved.

I think that very much mirrors our relationship with God. I think a lot of things about guy-girl relationships mirror our relationship with God. I think that's why God gave them to us. But it seems like God is crying out to His beloved creation and waiting for our love in return. Like the infamous DTR, God has laid His feeling all out on the table and now longingly waits for us to say those simple words, "I love you too." Maybe that's what spirituality is all about, us coming to say more and more, "I love you." If you're interested in following up on this idea with me, check out Psalm 139 where David recognizes God declaring His undying love and then his response in the last two verses. Sounds very much like a prayer I once read in the back of a 4 Spiritual Laws tract. Could it be that coming to faith sounds a lot more like committing to a relationship?

As much as I always skip over it when people leave random lyrics (it always seems like half a song, the lyrics work together with the music to create a harmonic whole) I'm going to leave these incomplete lyrics for you to ponder. It has to do with how our relationship with God is a lot like a DTR. Then maybe someday you'll have to ask me to play it for you so you can get the whole experience. :)

I don't know if I can take what you want me to say
I don't know that I can live up to all my expectations
Here I'm paralyzed at the edge of all I've ever wanted
Putting up a fight against the fears of everything I've ever known
So I'm found in that place where I jump or come back down
And all I want to say is...

I love you even though I don't know how
May my silence speak in better words than any I have found
I need you to right the ship I think I missed what
You were trying to say
So I close my eyes and I think of life without you here
I deeply sigh and I wake up, I wanna wake up where you are

How can I say for sure you're the only one for me
When my wandering eyes and feet are my tendency
Yet Your love remains the same despite my constant harlotry
Will I let my fears decide the fate of all my dreams
So I'm found in that place where I jump or come back down
And all I want to say is...

2005-06-25T20:24:00.000-04:00

I hate it when people only post once ever other blue moon. Why even bother at all! Ok, that's me, I know, j/k. :)

So my thoughts of late have gathered around this mysterious paradox we call faith. I can't help but question the conditional/unconditional nature of this faith. I'm firmly convinced there is nothing good in me that seeks after God on my own, so this faith in Him is not, indeed can not be from me alone...and therefore, unconditional, by the grace of God. (Note: There are many references I could quote such as Romans 3 or Ephesians 2:8, but I choose not to because of the recent abundance of what one may call "proof-texting". I would rather you search the whole of Scripture and judge my conclusions and questions based on what you discover of the character of God.) On the other hand, I have different fingers...I mean ;) I'm also firmly convinced that any so called faith that does not result in the obedience of love is really no saving faith at all, but merely belief, like that of the demons who believe in God, and therefore, conditional upon the free choices I make. So in any attempt toward delicately balancing the total sovereignty of God and the free will of man, even in regards to faith, one must be quite comfortable with the mystery of a God who's ways and thoughts are higher than ours, which is where I find myself during my deliberations.

Other related questions include the idea of two levels of justification, that of the nation of Israel when they made the Levitical sacrifices, and that of the faithful saints like Moses who was declared the "friend of God", and then, recognizing the process of the spiritual life, when exactly is that moment of regeneration when the Holy Spirit resides in our hearts. I suppose scholars have long since debated and will continue endlessly to debate far deeper questions of theology than mine, so I suppose I'm ever condemned to an incomplete understanding, like Paul, until the day we see clearly and no longer as though through a glass. Although at that point, how important will understanding really be. :) Either way, thanks for pondering with me.

ps. If you haven't checked it out yet, take a look at the blog site for my team going to Namibia. You can follow along with all the latest happenings during our trip from July 1st-17th.

2005-04-09T22:23:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been reading this great book (HIGHLY recommend it) called Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli. It's been instrumental in reshaping how I think about spirituality, which seems to be quite the theme in my posts of late. We seem to equate spirituality with the absence of sin. The more I grow up spiritually, the less sinful I become. So why is it that the most spiritual people I know are the ones most conscience of their sin? Since when have we ever had to clean ourselves up before we come to God? Why do we think we can hide our sin from God to look spiritual like we do with everyone else on Sunday mornings? Remember what Jesus said to the Pharisees? God isn't looking for spiritual people! He's looking for people who know nothing but their sin, and therefore their great need for Him. Perhaps true spirituality looks quite different from the very spiritual people we see, or pretend to be, on Sunday mornings. Perhaps God's much more ready to move in the lives of sinners than of spiritual people. Perhaps we need to stop turning messy sinners away from the doors of the church and instead, invite them into the love of God. Perhaps it's not until we become unescapably aware of our sin that we start to understand true spirituality.

Of course, as with anything else, this sounds far easier said than done. And what about sanctification? Aren't we suppose to be pursuing holiness? I mean, sure people can be messy before they meet Jesus, but then after that don't we want to assimilate them into little church people? Kinda reminds me of Paul writing to the Galatians saying, "Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by human effort?" But more on that later....

2005-01-28T18:19:00.000-05:00

I was recently reading an article about the theology of youth ministry and I happened upon an interesting question, illustrated here in youth ministry but applicable in the context of contemplation which has recently consumed my thinking. Kenda Dean writes,

"Do young people experience God as synonymous with particular people (like their small group) or a particular practice of ministry (like singing with a praise band) or a particular context (like camp)? Or have we helped them develop a repertoire of faith practices supple enough to take Christianity beyond any single faith experience?" (Getting out of God's Way, YouthWorker Journal, Jan/Feb 2005)

I've slowly been coming to realize our facination with destination has betrayed our possibilities for an intimate, ongoing relationship with God. We have come to live our lives at destinations like church, camp, or youth group, and ignore the journey, which in fact consumes the majority of our lives. I fear my failure to "practice the presence of God," as Brother Lawrence would say, has left me starving for the next experience and missing the joy, the beauty, the adventure of the journey. It's the heart of the contemplative, those disciplines or faith practices as Dean calls them, that brings the experience of God through the Spirit into our daily journey. So rather than relying on a 30-minute devotional time to last the whole day, the whole of our journey is filled with the joy of experiencing God. Idealistic, perhaps, but then what good is a vision that's not.

2005-01-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

The Spiritual Life. What's that even mean? Everybody's got their own idea of what it's all about. Some people limit spirituality to all that Eastern mysticism stuff thinking it's all about meditating to a higher state of consciousness until you reach ultimate godness or something along those lines. A more popular answer in the church is that spirituality is determined by our private devotional lives. Those people feel they are spiritual when their daily routine includes some form or devotional Bible reading and prayer time. They are content with church attendance, blessing meals, and following an unwritten code of spiritual maturity as means towards a thriving connection with God. The irony befalling their situation is that their goal of self-righteousness is the very thing starving the inner life they claim to nurture.

Jesus spoke to this in Matthew 23. "Everything they do is for show....[They] are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside [they] are filthy-full of greed and self-indulgence!...[They] are like whitewashed tombs-beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people's bones and all sorts of impurity. [They] try to look like upright people outwardly, but inside [their] hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness."

Striving so hard to look righteous on the outside simply leads to a critical spirit, bitterness, anger, and judgmentalism. They must expend so much energy to keep up the facade of perfection, constantly comparing themselves to others who don't match up. Aren't those the very kinds of things we're trying to leave behind by nurturing this spiritual life? Keith Green understood this controversy when he wrote, "Somehow I feel that it would be more pleasing to God if I wasn't 'doing my duty' at all, but I was madly in love with Him, constantly praying to Him and living off His Word. In fact I know this to be true, but I can't seem to 'give up' my 'devotional life.' I am afraid that my soulish flesh will just take advantage of my leap of faith and turn me into a Word-less, prayer-less monster."

So we must turn our attention about the spiritual from the external to the internal. The spiritual life is just that, the life of the spirit, that very hunger in the soul of man that cries out for more. In our efforts to renew the inner life of the spirit by focusing on the external is like washing only the outside of the dishes, or decorating a coffin. So let's abandon our striving for external spirituality and allow a renewed inner life to transform our public life. This naturally begs the question, how does one go about renewing the inner life, which is exactly where we'll pick up next time.

2004-12-07T22:09:00.000-05:00

I recently drove by a car dealership that advertised "Audi, loaded, $650." I found myself thinking there's gotta be something seriously wrong with that car if it's loaded and it's only $650. Shouldn't you be looking for a car that actually drives whether it's loaded or not? After all what good is a loaded Audi sitting in the driveway because the engine's trashed. 'At least it looks good.'

But isn't that often how we inventory our own spiritual lives? I sit in the pew every Sunday, whether I actually engage or not. I read my Bible every morning, whether I actually learn anything or not. I spend my five minutes a day thinking about prayer requests, whether I actually connect with God or not. I fear that the church is full of fully loaded Christians that, when it all comes down to it, have nothing but rusty engine parts under the hood. They look great on the outside, but when it comes to a real relationship with God they're found lacking.

The tragedy is that many well meaning Christians don't even acknowledge the gaping hole at the center of their lives because they're too busy, as the adage goes, rearranging deck furniture on the Titanic. They exhaust all their energies working so hard at being a good Christian, keeping up with their spiritual disciplines to-do list, which ironically is never satisfied, and they don't even recognize that as a problem! They don't even comprehend what Jesus meant when He said His yoke was easy and His burden light. And we wonder why so many Christians are left feeling tired, overworked, and unfulfilled, doubting why they ever signed up for this in the first place.

Now I'll be the first to say this is just a symptom of many deeper issues, but toward a remedy I've been discovering some additional contemplative disciplines that we often forget. Somehow we've gotten the idea that silence, solitude, fasting, journaling, meditating, etc. were all gratefully buried in the dark ages with the ancient monks. But perhaps these long forgotten practices are the very thing we need to transform our spirituality from simply a necessary inconvenience into a meaningful relationship with the Almighty.

More on this later, but for now I'll suffice to say, take some time to slow down. Take a vacation from the exhausting efforts that keep us captive when we put our faith in the law, or better yet, take early retirement. Remember, Jesus didn't come to earth so we could spend a lifetime perfecting our spiritual duties; He came that we might "know the Father." May that be the cry of your life, and mine.