Confessions

Accompanying my recent thoughts on sin has been my reading through St. Augustine's Confessions. The following passage is an excellent commentary on Romans 7. I know it's long and it'll take some wading through the olde rhetoric but it's so intense, it's worth the trouble. And just so you know, he writes in prayers so 'you' refers to God.

"The enemy held my will in his power and from it he had made a chain and shackled me. For my will was perverse and lust had grown from it, and when I gave in to lust, habit was born, and when I did not resist the habit it became a necessity. These were the links which together formed what I have called my chain, and it held me fast in the duress of servitude. But the new will which had come to life in me and made me wish to serve you freely and enjoy you, my God, who are our only certain joy, was not yet strong enough to overcome the old, hardened as it was by the passage of time. So these two wills within me, one old, one new, one the servant of the flesh, the other of the spirit, were in conflict and between them they tore my soul apart....

"Instead of fearing, as I ought, to be held back by all that encumbered me, I was frightened to be free of it. In fact I bore the burden of the world as contentedly as one sometimes bears a heavy load of sleep. My thoughts, as I meditated upon you, were like the efforts of a man who tries to wake but cannot and sinks back into the depths of slumber. No one wants to sleep forever, for everyone rightly agrees that it is better to be awake. Yet a man often staves off the effort to rouse himself when his body is leaden with inertia. He is glad to settle down once more, although it is against his better judgement and it is already time he were up and about. In the same way I was quite sure that it was better for me to give myself up to your love than to surrender to my own lust. But while I wanted to follow the first course and was convinced that it was right, I was still a slave to the pleasures of the second....

"For the rule of sin is the force of habit, by which the mind is swept along and held fast even against its will, yet deservedly, because it fell into the habit of its own accord. 'Pitiable creature that I was, who was to set me free from a nature thus doomed to death? Nothing else than the grace of God, through Jesus Christ our Lord.'"

I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Sometimes I wonder how much I really understand this whole life as a Christian thing. It seems some of the time I think the point is to be more like Christ. That's kinda been drilled into our heads, especially with the whole 'What Would Jesus Do' scheme. So when that's my goal I create in my mind a linear chart I call "spiritual maturity" where the longer I'm a Christian the closer I get toward actual perfection. I understand God as one who is pleased when I do well and frowns when I sin saying, "Well you're forgiven in Christ, but don't do that again." But then I do and the frustration and disappointment floods back again and my chart takes a dive. What I don't realize is that in charting my progress I'm the judge of what sins are worthy to keep one from 'greater spiritual maturity' and which ones can be quietly overlooked. So for example, I could go a whole day being completely selfish but without blowing up at anybody, being dishonest, or looking at porn and I think I'm one step closer to perfection, as if God's impressed with my display of what I call 'good Christianity'. I don't often think this way consciously in my mind, but that's frequently how I live out my life.

Then sometimes, when I'm sitting in utter depression because I screwed up and let God down, I think the whole point is something more like 'Jesus loves me, this I know.' And if that's the case, then 'moral failure' and the resulting 'guilt' simply become more opportunity for Him to pour out His love on me. Not that I purposefully sin so that grace may abound - by no means - but when I do it takes a sideline to the overwhelming joy of God's grace. I understand God as one who is just waiting for the opportunity to pour out His grace and forgiveness that I may glory in His love for me. As a result, I lose the utter hatred for everything that goes against the character of God. Sin, all of a sudden, while never ok, is not so bad because with it comes a lavishing of grace.

So most of the time I end up sitting under the harmonious contradiction of God's love and His holiness, His mercy and His justice. That's usually when I crank the volume on the stereo and set the song When I Survey The Wondrous Cross on repeat. My dad told me that the Western mind always needs to connect the dots, to find some reasonable explanation to figure out the mystery. The Eastern mind on the other hand (our Jewish brothers who wrote the Bible), are completely content leaving different concepts in different boxes. They're ok with a holy God that loves sinners. To me that seems like a paradox that I'm left struggling to figure out...

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride...."

Grace for more than drug-addicts and sex offenders

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who said he often feels like he has no testimony to share next to people who've been saved out of some seriously "sinful" lifestyles. After all, you have to admit "I grew up in church, got saved when I was 4, and lived happily ever after" isn't that impressive a display of God's grace....or is it? Truth of the matter is every one of us has been saved from a heart that's twisted and broken, deceptive and selfish. If God had allowed me to go my own way, then my story would be as sad and desperate as many others I've heard. But he didn't. Because of God's grace in my life He saved me from all that rather than saving me out of all that. Because of God's grace in my life I don't have to give into the selfish desires of my heart. I couldn't do that by myself. I know the thoughts of my heart, and it scares me to think if they were to have their way. It's only by God's grace that I can make choices contrary to my selfishness.

A prime example came up for me this week, and it allows me great opportunity to boast in God's grace. I have long been planning a trip to North Carolina to visit with the fam over the holidays. I was going to drive my car down and visit with friends on my way to and from. My brother and sister-in-law had to make their visit the week prior because of work commitments. However, when they were there they had car trouble and had to leave their car in the shop. So the new plan became that they would drive my parents Suburban home, which I would return when I drove down, and drive back up with their car. Seems like a great plan, minus one small objection, my selfish heart. I'm quite comfortable and familiar with my own car and all the amenities it provides, everything short of serving drinks and a bag of pretzels. This may seem like a small deal for many, but comfort and familiarity are a big deal on a long trip. So needless to say, it was not with ease that I consented to the new plan, but only by God's grace. Were I to make that decision on my own, I would've said make other arrangements cause I've been planning this for months and this is what I want to do. It's only the grace of God that could allow me to say no to my own selfish desires and agree to the alternative plan. And as a result my joy abounds. Not my joy in my own selfish comfort, but my joy in knowing I'm not a slave to my selfish desires. I can choose love over self. But not on my own, it's God's grace that saved me from these things. God continues to show His grace in my life everyday that He allows me to defeat my selfish heart. That's the grace that I boast in everyday. That's why I can stand next to the rehabbed drug-addict and former sex offender and say, "I too was lost, but now I'm found" and weep together in God's grace to selfish, messy sinners.