I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Sometimes I wonder how much I really understand this whole life as a Christian thing. It seems some of the time I think the point is to be more like Christ. That's kinda been drilled into our heads, especially with the whole 'What Would Jesus Do' scheme. So when that's my goal I create in my mind a linear chart I call "spiritual maturity" where the longer I'm a Christian the closer I get toward actual perfection. I understand God as one who is pleased when I do well and frowns when I sin saying, "Well you're forgiven in Christ, but don't do that again." But then I do and the frustration and disappointment floods back again and my chart takes a dive. What I don't realize is that in charting my progress I'm the judge of what sins are worthy to keep one from 'greater spiritual maturity' and which ones can be quietly overlooked. So for example, I could go a whole day being completely selfish but without blowing up at anybody, being dishonest, or looking at porn and I think I'm one step closer to perfection, as if God's impressed with my display of what I call 'good Christianity'. I don't often think this way consciously in my mind, but that's frequently how I live out my life.

Then sometimes, when I'm sitting in utter depression because I screwed up and let God down, I think the whole point is something more like 'Jesus loves me, this I know.' And if that's the case, then 'moral failure' and the resulting 'guilt' simply become more opportunity for Him to pour out His love on me. Not that I purposefully sin so that grace may abound - by no means - but when I do it takes a sideline to the overwhelming joy of God's grace. I understand God as one who is just waiting for the opportunity to pour out His grace and forgiveness that I may glory in His love for me. As a result, I lose the utter hatred for everything that goes against the character of God. Sin, all of a sudden, while never ok, is not so bad because with it comes a lavishing of grace.

So most of the time I end up sitting under the harmonious contradiction of God's love and His holiness, His mercy and His justice. That's usually when I crank the volume on the stereo and set the song When I Survey The Wondrous Cross on repeat. My dad told me that the Western mind always needs to connect the dots, to find some reasonable explanation to figure out the mystery. The Eastern mind on the other hand (our Jewish brothers who wrote the Bible), are completely content leaving different concepts in different boxes. They're ok with a holy God that loves sinners. To me that seems like a paradox that I'm left struggling to figure out...

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride...."